Understanding Postpartum Depression: My Personal Journey and Psychoeducation
What is Postpartum Depression (PPD)?
When I thought about postpartum depression (PPD), I pictured a sleep-deprived mother endlessly rocking her colicky baby in the middle of the night. I imagined a single mother without resources or support, struggling to make ends meet, or someone with a significant mental health history. On the other hand, I thought of public figures like Brooke Shields, Chrissy Teigen, and Alanis Morissette, foolishly glorifying PPD as something experienced only by the rare and elite. Needless to say, I was completely naive and in denial of the fact that postpartum depression doesn’t discriminate. External factors can certainly make one more susceptible, but I wasn’t any of those women. I was just 12 weeks pregnant, surrounded by support and people rallying behind me.
What are the Symptoms of Postpartum Depression?
Before I share my story, I want to provide some psychoeducation from my training at the Postpartum Stress Center. Women can begin experiencing symptoms as early as pregnancy onset, and if untreated, these can persist postpartum. While many believe depression is the main issue, it’s often the inability to manage symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that leads to depression. Additionally, people often confuse “baby blues” with postpartum depression, though they are vastly different. PPD affects about 15% of women and is characterized by feelings of sadness, anhedonia, inappropriate guilt, and often suicidal ideation lasting at least two weeks. In contrast, baby blues affect around 85% of women, causing sadness that lasts no longer than a few days.
Postpartum Depression vs. Perinatal OCD
Postpartum and perinatal obsessive-compulsive disorder are also widely misunderstood. This disorder involves unwanted thoughts, images, and urges, accompanied by compulsions—rituals to counter the anxiety triggered by these thoughts. Obsessions may include thoughts of harm toward the baby or oneself, although these thoughts are not limited to those themes.
Six years ago, I became pregnant with my daughter at the age of 25. My husband and I were thrilled to welcome our first child and excited to see how parenthood would transform our relationship. Throughout my first trimester, I noticed I was becoming increasingly emotional, with frequent crying spells. I found it difficult to hear about tragedies in my community, read upsetting news, or even watch drama series without carrying the sadness with me. Like many women, I chalked it up to hormones and didn’t give it much thought.
However, these feelings persisted and morphed into an overwhelming preoccupation with existential questions: What is the purpose of life if we eventually die? Why invest in happiness if everything is ultimately meaningless? These thoughts consumed me. I would bring them up in every conversation, hoping someone shared my obsession or had answers that could satisfy me. I reached out to religious leaders for perspective and devoured philosophical books in an attempt to quell my anxiety, but the more I indulged in these thoughts, the more trapped I felt.
Over time, these questions felt like my responsibility to resolve. Inevitably, as I couldn’t answer them, my sleep deteriorated, and my thoughts took on a life of their own. I began doubting whether I would harm myself or my unborn daughter, leading me to avoid knives and sharp objects out of fear I might use them. I questioned my own existence and wondered if life was just a dream, compulsively pinching myself or bumping into people to reassure myself I was real. These obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors felt like a precursor to a psychotic breakdown.
Eventually, I met with a provider who I credit with saving my life. He gave me a safe space to express my thoughts without judgment and helped normalize my experience when I thought I was losing my mind. Although I was initially reluctant, I began taking antidepressants and benzodiazepines during my pregnancy, combined with weekly exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. After surviving what felt like the loss of my sanity and nurturing myself through motherhood, I realized I couldn’t return to work without first ensuring I could help other women navigate perinatal and postpartum mental health challenges.
Since then, I’ve immersed myself in various communities, spoken on panels to raise awareness and share my story, offered myself as a lifeline to women in need, and sought certification to provide the information I wish I had during my own experience.
Contact Intent Clinical Today
If you are a loved one is struggling with symptoms of postpartum depression, schedule a consultation with one of our counselors at Intent Clinical to figure out the best treatment plan fit for your needs.
